Aisling’s Preggo Blog

As-salaamu alaykum. I don’t think I will write much about the reflections I have had about this experience, as I am not quite sure yet of the conclusion I came to.

The only thing I can say is that Alhamdulillah, I am thankful for today. For others, their chances to please Allah are gone. Khalas, that was it and they are done in this dunya. Allah a3lim whether they (’they’ meaning all of those who have passed) were successful. We know the Prophets and some Sahabah have been promised Jannah, but as for the rest of us, we don’t know. I think that is what constantly keeps me doing good things fisabilillah, well trying to anyways.

I remember telling a priest that this was one of the faults in Christianity - if everyone is guarunteed the prize at the end of this race we are all in, who will do genuine good deeds in order to gain it except with the intention of praise? SubhanAllah, Allah truely is the Mose Wise and knows His creation as He is the Creator.  

I am so, so, so thankful to Allah that I am not in the same place my dear friend was. I realize know I very well could have been, but Allah wrote for me that I am to be saved from that plauge through the grace and ease of Islam. May Allah save us all…

…to all of those who sent kind words here in my blog, in emails, under your breath or in du’aa. May Allah reward you all greatly for that.

I am going to try to make this short and I am not sure how much more I can take emotionally today.

Her funeral was beautiful and filled with love. The closing of the casket was just torture, knowing her father and sister would never see her again after that moment - we would never see her smile, experience her friendship ever again. It was definitely harder than yesterday. Her girlfirends were so torn up and my heart truely goes out to them.

I think that’s all I’ll say about it for now.

Oh, and I was also told today my Great Uncle Robert died today in Scotland at the age of 56 - liver failure from alcoholism…. 

Here is a Slide show made by an old friend of mine from High School:

http://www.slide.com/r/oCkFq-ahtT9iDaEPQfqw6cBx9SHEPKPM?view=original

The viewing was tough, real tough.

As soo n as you walked in to the room, you could see her. Knowing that, I decided to get into the line and go see her. My friend M was with me. We both just had such a hard time with the line up going to see her. It was the hardest part for me at least.

When I saw her, it was really very difficult as she looked like her beautiful self but she was lifeless. You knew when you saw her that the soul had left. I just wanted to reach over and tell her WAKE UP! SubhanAllah, I now realise the wisdom behind Muslim funerals. It is done as quickly as possible and you cannot see the body uncovered. This viewing was like tourture to the heart. Seeing her in front of you yet knowing there is nothing you can do to bring her back. It is done, over. She is dead.

It was a strange experience in general, seeing everyone from high school again, with in Hijab and wondering what people are thinking. Let’s just say my high school days weren’t all that ‘halal’. The strangest part was having people congratulate me on my pregnancy and asking me questions while I am crying and mourning the loss of a friend. Should I be happy, sad, upset? I really had no idea.

Then the worst thing happened - instead of taking heed and learning from the life of Candice, they all went out for a drink at a restaurant to drink away the saddness of her life being taken away by these evil vices. I was just shocked and taken back by it.

As I prepare emotionally for tomorrow, I need to give thanks to Allah again and again for giving me this day and all the ones before it.

As the time crawls by, I keep getting more and more anxious about going. One of my friends is just too shaken up to go, and a few others will come at different times in the viewing session.

I guess it is really starting to hit me that she is gone. She will be buried and the punishment of the grave will begin. As she did not die on Islam,  I can not make du’aa for her. I can not say to her family ‘Don’t worry, she is in a better place’ because she may not be. I remember of all of our days together, did we ever really know this is how it would end up? Her in a casket at 23, me as a Muslim coming to her funeral….

Did we know as we walked home from my bus stop that in a few years from now, one would be gone and one would be mourning the loss? Alhamdulillah for the long time I have had here in this dunya. Although it is trying, Allah has allowed me to wake up each day and try again. He didn’t allow her past this Tuesday. Khalas - that is it - that was her time. I contemplate when my time will be. Will my son and husband have to bury me? Will my mother have to bury me? Will I have to bury my son? My husband? Allahu Akbar my heart is trembling with fear for our akhirah….

You really just never know when your time is written.

My heart feels heavy - quite literally. I feel like there is a stone in the middle of my chest. As my work day comes to an end, real life is just beginning.

I will inshaAllah go to both the viewing and the funeral. I don’t know if I’ll be able to actually go up and see her, as I don’t want to put my pregnancy through any stress, but I will go anyways. In a few minutes I’ll callmy other best friends from high school and maybe we can all go together.

Thursday - Viewing

Friday - Funeral

It could have been me.

Allahu akbar it could have been me. Should Islam not have been written for me, I would most likely have led a similar life, if not one right beside her. I thought I was the queen of the social scene, and loved the attention and all of the drama that came with it.

Allah chose another path for me (alhamdulillah) and now I am married, having a baby mashaAllah, in our own little apartment with great friends, while I will soon have to bury an old friend who led the life I could have.

Astaghfirullah, sometimes i wonder about my decision, not whether I should have become Muslim or not as I am a firm believer, but just about small things. For example, when I used to see her pics and all the fun she was having I questioned myself “Am I missing out or being saved by not going to bars or drinking?”. Little things like that which I know are from shaytan but disruptive none the less. I don’t mean to say it was just when I saw her info, I mean everyone I knew from before Islam came into my life.

Alhamdulillah, 

Alhamdulillah, 

Alhamdulillah, 

Alhamdulillah, 

Alhamdulillah.

Allahu akbar - I am really having a harder time than I thought I would with her passing.

It seems to have taken over me - my thoughts, visions, memories, conversations. I keep just tearing up when I am just sitting doing nothing. I am stuck on Facebook. A few of my HS friends wanted a place to keep funeral info and memories so I started a memory group for her, and I keep watching to see all the beautiful yet bittersweet things people are writing about her. It seems some of her closest friends didn;t want something like this on Facebook, and if there was they wanted it from them. Understandable, I just felt bad NOT doing something, KWIM? Those of us who weren’t close to her now still wanted an outlet for grief, a place where we could learn new details about funeral arrangements and a place to just remember. I decided to keep it up, not to defy but to assist in the healing process of many others. There is a member count of almost 250 just from overnight! She really was loved.

One thing I had promised was that no info about the circumstances around her death would be given. To date, I have heard some heavy information that I would not want released about my loved one, and therefore don’t find it my place to allow others access to that information.

I dunno, I just feel so connected to her and I don’t know why.

**Written originally on Tuesday, edited and updated April 14, so there are details of her funeral here**

SubhanAllah, each soul really does have it’s time.

Today, a very dear friend of mine passed away at the age of 23. Her and I were best friends in high school. Every weekend we would stay at my house and take 3-4 hours just to get ready to go out. I remember how her hair was always perfect, and when I thought I had mine just right, I’d look at hers and start all over again…LOL. Same with make-up, hers was always so perfect and mne was, well not perfect. LOL. Anyone who knows her knows what I mean.

I never knew her to make an enemy. She consistantly was just super sweet, and ultra hilarious. At her funeral, her now-best friends reminded us all of her obssesion with animals and even further her strange obsession with cats. I told my hubby I think she is where I learned my love for cats from. I remember when we went to her house she had soooo many animals. As in a whole wall cage full of birds, something like 6 cats, one or two dogs, and that was just inside. If I remember correctly, her dad had chickens and other animals on her farm. She was always so kind with them and they all loved her so much!

Her personality was so quirky - she would say things you would never even think of! She was so beautiful yet so awkward and clumsy at times. You’d almost think she was all looks and no brain until she opened her mouth to speak. She would discuss deep issues such as religion, politics, family, divorce, etc. She wrote her thoughts down a lot as well. Now when I knew her she was just beginning this passion (as far as I know at least), when she was always so shy to show anyone her work. I felt so privileged that I read some of her poetry. Her girlfriends said something similar to this at her funeral. She really was quite eloquent and deep. She talked about love often, about the never ending search for it and its seeming unattainability.

Keep in mind this next part is my pre-Islam years. So after we were all dolled up, we would head out to these teenage dance clubs that were all over the city. Her and I both loved being in that social scene - knowing everyone and - of course - never paying to get in. She always used to laugh because in terms of alcohol I never much gave into my inhibitions. I was usually the one laughing at my drunk friends…LOL. She, on the other hand, loved anything and everything that would make the party better and more livelier! She was always so free and never felt constrained which was totally something I was jealous of at the time.

In grade 12 I had to switch schools, and we lost contact. Only in the past year did we start talking again via Facebook. It seemed her life was full of love from her girlfriends and sister, and busy with life and happiness! She was in school for Journalism (which is what she wanted to do from as far back as I can remember) and living life to it’s fullest.

Then, WHAM - I log onto Facebook today and I see all of our highschool friends with the status ‘RIP Candice’ and my jaw dropped. Once someone told me it was my Candice, I just began to cry and cry. I accept this is what is written for her, but it was just so shocked! Still don’t know what it was that took her life, but I am sure I will find out.

You never ever left my heart Candice. You never will.

Yesterday wasn’t as bad as I had imagined. I thought I’d be swamped with work and back-logged documentation that I would have a melt down! Actually, to be honest, I was hoping for that. Maybe it would have been another reason to stay off of work. Horrible, I know.

Not too much happened yesterday after work. Hubby and I went grocery shopping (LONGGGGGGGG over due might I add) and had tonzzzzzzzzzz of watermelon. It makes me laugh though because he usually picks out the sweetest possible watermelons somehow and he was soooo disappointed that it was just sweet, not VERY sweet. LOL! MashaAllah - May Allah bless his heart!

Oh! I almost forgot! Hubby felt the baby move for the first time yesterday! It was soooo amazing - he was so ecstatic! I was sooo happy that he could share in that moment with me and baby. He called his brothers and mom after and told them all about it SubhanAllah, I can’t wait until he is a daddy (well, Baba, actually).

I am off to a meeting. I am sure I’ll have more to write about then….