Aisling’s Preggo Blog

The viewing was tough, real tough.

As soo n as you walked in to the room, you could see her. Knowing that, I decided to get into the line and go see her. My friend M was with me. We both just had such a hard time with the line up going to see her. It was the hardest part for me at least.

When I saw her, it was really very difficult as she looked like her beautiful self but she was lifeless. You knew when you saw her that the soul had left. I just wanted to reach over and tell her WAKE UP! SubhanAllah, I now realise the wisdom behind Muslim funerals. It is done as quickly as possible and you cannot see the body uncovered. This viewing was like tourture to the heart. Seeing her in front of you yet knowing there is nothing you can do to bring her back. It is done, over. She is dead.

It was a strange experience in general, seeing everyone from high school again, with in Hijab and wondering what people are thinking. Let’s just say my high school days weren’t all that ‘halal’. The strangest part was having people congratulate me on my pregnancy and asking me questions while I am crying and mourning the loss of a friend. Should I be happy, sad, upset? I really had no idea.

Then the worst thing happened - instead of taking heed and learning from the life of Candice, they all went out for a drink at a restaurant to drink away the saddness of her life being taken away by these evil vices. I was just shocked and taken back by it.

As I prepare emotionally for tomorrow, I need to give thanks to Allah again and again for giving me this day and all the ones before it.

As the time crawls by, I keep getting more and more anxious about going. One of my friends is just too shaken up to go, and a few others will come at different times in the viewing session.

I guess it is really starting to hit me that she is gone. She will be buried and the punishment of the grave will begin. As she did not die on Islam,  I can not make du’aa for her. I can not say to her family ‘Don’t worry, she is in a better place’ because she may not be. I remember of all of our days together, did we ever really know this is how it would end up? Her in a casket at 23, me as a Muslim coming to her funeral….

Did we know as we walked home from my bus stop that in a few years from now, one would be gone and one would be mourning the loss? Alhamdulillah for the long time I have had here in this dunya. Although it is trying, Allah has allowed me to wake up each day and try again. He didn’t allow her past this Tuesday. Khalas - that is it - that was her time. I contemplate when my time will be. Will my son and husband have to bury me? Will my mother have to bury me? Will I have to bury my son? My husband? Allahu Akbar my heart is trembling with fear for our akhirah….

You really just never know when your time is written.

My heart feels heavy - quite literally. I feel like there is a stone in the middle of my chest. As my work day comes to an end, real life is just beginning.